Family mediation: is it a form of counselling?

Even once we have dealt with the brain’s natural desire to substitute “mediation” with “meditation”, which immediately creates the impression that mediation is akin to a form of therapy, the vast majority of people who I discuss mediation with then assume that it is a type of marriage counselling or marriage guidance.

I find myself regularly having to explain that mediation is very different to counselling. I point out that, whilst mediation can sometimes assist couples who are still together in deciding how to resolve practical issues relating to the future of their relationship or their children, it is generally geared towards helping separating or separated people (amongst others) to reach agreements about the future. This may involve working out the practical details of a trial separation (e.g. where will the children live and who will pay the bills including the mortgage?) whilst they consider whether there is a future to the relationship, during which time one or both clients may decide to seek the assistance of a counsellor either for separate or couple counselling. On the other end of the spectrum, this may involve picking up the pieces that have been caused by an irretrievable breakdown in a marriage, perhaps one that has already become the subject of solicitors’ letters or even an ongoing court case about divorce, finances or the living arrangements of the children.

Whatever the background to the issues that are to be discussed during mediation, whilst it is very important to be clear with all the parties involved that the process is not akin to counselling and is in fact very much focused on finding solutions to practical issues, there will inevitably be a fine line for the mediator to tread between enabling one or both of the clients to focus on their emotions and their thoughts about the history of the relationship and between ensuring that there is a task-focused approach to the mediation process.

When treading this thin line, it is important for the mediator to be able to understand and empathise with each of the client’s individual positions, whilst ensuring that the focus on finding solutions remains central to the process.

There are occasions when both the clients will clearly show a need to discuss in some detail the chain of events that has brought them to their current situation, with a view to allowing them to express their fears and remove obstacles that may prevent progress being made.

There are also situations when both clients are very clear that they do not want to muddy the waters by discussing the past and want to focus completely on looking at the solutions for the future, whether this be in terms of dividing assets or working out the living arrangements of the children.

However, in reality, it is very likely that the respective needs and wishes for how the mediation process should be managed will be very different for each client, thus making the thin line even harder to navigate.

Any mediator will not doubt have had to deal with situations where one of the clients makes it clear that they just want to move on and discuss the finances, rather than waste time (and money) discussing who did what and why, whilst the other client makes it clear that they do not want to (or are not ready to) focus on the details of a financial settlement whilst there is still so much to discuss about how they are feeling and why they have reached their current situation. Inevitably, it will be impossible for even the most skilled and experienced mediator to negotiate a path that keeps both parties entirely happy, or indeed that makes either party feel completely comfortable with the process, but part of the mediator’s role is to find a balance that maximises the chances of settlements being reached and minimises the risk of the mediation process breaking down, even if this means dealing with some awkward dynamics in the room at times. The hope is then that, as the mediation process progresses, this will lead to a pace and approach developing that both clients feel comfortable with and that they can respect, with the ultimate aim being for both clients to reach the end of the process with lasting agreements even if it is not always possible for them to either recognise or thank the mediator for the tightrope act that the mediator is likely to have been walking throughout the process.

Whether you are a mediator, someone who has been through the mediation process or an interested observer, I would welcome your thoughts about whether you can identify with this fine line between dealing with emotions and remaining focused on solutions.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post and I look forward to reading your comments.

Euan Davidson

Family mediator

Godalming Family Mediation